Tea Party: Zombie Apocalypse in Jacksonville

For conservatives in Jacksonville, the End of Days didn’t wait for May 21st, it happened on May 17th with the surprise election of Democrat Alvin Brown as mayor.  

Republicans are trying to figure out what happened.  What allowed this black man to get elected mayor?  How could this possibly happen?  

For North Florida Tea Partiers, this was truly the zombie apocalypse. 

Billie Tucker, the founder of the First Coast Tea Party, didn’t hold back in her crazy messages to supporters calling on them to turn out for Republican Mike Hogan.  Tucker wrote in one email that “an invasion of body snatchers is occurring all over town.”

Outside volunteers from the Florida Democratic Party had been sent to Jacksonville to support the Brown campaign.  But the Republican Party of Florida had also sent in their own outside people and outside money.

“Vans with Alvin Brown stickers and out of town license tags can be seen dropping glassy-eyed people off on the sides of roads,” Tucker wrote.  “We are sure the invasion has escalated and they are now taking our local people with them into the vans and dark meeting places.”

“Some of our best and brightest leaders have fallen under their spell and have become one of them,” said Tucker of the numerous business leaders in Jacksonville who traditionally support Republicans but switched to Brown in the final months of the campaign. “This is scary stuff and should not be ignored. You could be next!”

What could good tea partiers do to survive the zombie assault?  

“PRAY. Zombies hate people who pray… They are in bondage and don’t know what they do,” went the increasingly nutty message. “Pray they will be released from the cords of bondage that bind them and will join our ranks of Conservative Citizens who love our city, state and country.”

Apparently they didn’t pray hard enough? 

Or maybe God just doesn’t give a shit who is mayor of Jacksonville, Florida? 

Whatever the case, Alvin Brown is now  mayor-elect and megachurcher Mike Hogan has gone home empty-handed.  

On the plus side, the world is scheduled to end on Saturday, so Brown won’t actually have a chance to take office before the rapture.  And then maybe we’ll get to see some real zombies.